The Little Moments That Bring Smiles to My Workday

While I strive to weave humor into most lessons I teach, sometimes I inadvertently strike comedy gold. My source? The students themselves. Here is my first-ever greatest hits collection, compiled over 3 months of teaching English to the French. I’ll definitely add new installments in the future, as the parade of hits is sure to continue in 2008.

[Disclaimer: I’m aware of the irony that I’m affectionately mocking my language students, when I, too, am currently a language student who has made her French teacher laugh on occasion at my knowingly atrocious errors. At the end of the day, it’s all about being able to laugh at yourself...and, of course, at everyone else.]

When Pronunciation Gets in the Way #1
Me (to determine who in the group will go first in a game): I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Whoever guesses it or a number closest to it will go first.
Student A: Four.
Student B: Sex.
Me (in my head): Bwahahahahaha.

When Proununciation Gets in the Way #2
I’d just reviewed present simple tense with a lower-level student. She was doing quick oral conjugation drills of random verbs I’d task her with.
Me: Talk
Student: I talk, you talk, he talks, she talks…(you get the picture)
Me: Sit
Student: I sit, you sit, he sits, she shits, we shits…
Me, trying not to lose it and chastising myself for reacting like a 12-year-old

Oh, Waiter…
I was working on a Dining Out language unit with a group of lower students (they loved it) and we played a game in which the game board had various restaurant-based communication tasks. One student lands on the ‘Ask your waiter for the bill’ square. Keep in mind this student is a petite and effete French male with fabulous mannerisms.
Student (oh so enthusiastically, but with a hint of ‘tude): Oh, BOY!! The bill, please.
I then had to explain to him (more euphemistically than what follows, of course) that even though the French may call their waiters ‘garcons’ (boys), we DO NOT do this in Anglophone countries – unless we want to get our asses kicked or get serious b*#%h-face.

Cannibalism is SO in This Year
While teaching a group how to formulate basic questions, I had them pretend they were interviewing each other as potential roommates. I supported them with several pre-fab sentence stems, but then they had to come up with original questions.
Student: Who do you cook for dinner?
Me (unable to stop myself from cracking up): So, you eat people, do you?

Man, My Hangover Is, Like, So Heavy
OK, so this wasn’t from a student, but it was from one of Nate’s French co-workers with whom we were coordinating dinner plans over email.
N’s Coworker: Can we meet later than 8:30? We are going to a party the night before, so we might carry a hangover.

Idiom Gone Awry
While teaching a workshop on presentations, I was reviewing language for closing the talk (e.g., So to wrap things up…, In conclusion…, etc.). One student suddenly perked up and got excited.
Student: Ooh, I know another good one!
Me: Great! Let’s add it to our list. What is it?
Student (enthusiastically): ‘To put the nut into the shell.’
Me: Uh, well, in reality the expression is a bit different…
[Not to mention, it’s not a necessarily appropriate expression for concluding a presentation!]

Fatchy Pog
Students always get bubbly when they learn I’m from New York and San Francisco (so much more interesting to talk about than, say, Duluth). They love talking about past visits to these cities or at least reciting everything they know about them. One student got especially excited when he discovered my SF past.
Student: San Francisco! Oh yes! I hear they have a lot of frog.
[No, he wasn’t referring to the city’s sizable French population. He just threw in an “R” where it didn’t belong.]

Which Travel Guides Have You Been Reading?
Speaking of US cities and their attractions…Students and I were discussing taxation in France vs. the US. They were blown away by the 8.25% rate in California – a mere pittance compared to the French 18% sales tax. They inquired if that was a flat rate across the US, so then I explained the system of state/local sales tax.
Student A: Is there places where the tax is high and in other places it is low? [Poor grammar, yes, but they’re on a lower level and grammar ain’t the punchline.]
Me: Yes, certain states and especially certain cities are more expensive places to live, partially because of the sales tax. For example, New York, California, etc.
Student B: Yes, yes, of course. But not…(he thinks for a moment)…not Nashville!
Me (smirking and already starting to wish I could somehow vodcast the scene to Blaire and Whit): No, not Nashville, you’re right.
Student B (giggling a little): Nothing is in Nashville.
Me (also giggling): I’ll have to tell my friends who live there that you said that.
Student B: Nothing in Nashville…(he thinks for a moment)…OH!!! No, there is the home of Elvis!
Me: Uh, Graceland? That’s near Memphis. Same state, different city.
Student B: Oh (dejectedly)…(he thinks for a moment)…OH!!! (brightening) Nashville is home of the blues (proudly)!
Me: Uh, that’s also Memphis.
Student A: Bwahahahahahaha…
Student C: Nashville, it’s for country music!
Student B: OH! Yes! Country! Hank Williams!
[Pfew, he finally got one fact straight.]

Prepositions Have Never Been Sexier
I’d been reviewing phrasal verbs with an intermediate class, with “to turn to” among my list of high-frequency business phrases (e.g. To turn to another point…). One student just could not get that one right and kept coming up with better and better variations.
Variation #1: To turn it on…
Me: That means you want to operate electricity, a machine, a gadget.
Student laughs, slightly embarrassed in front of the group.
Variation #2: To turn on you…
Me: That means you want to betray us.
Student laughs, group laughs even harder and starts teasing the guy about his traitorous intentions.
Variation #3: To turn you on…
Me: Um, that’s something you should never, ever say, especially to an American colleague, because then you’ll probably get sued for sexual harassment (the French love talking about how prudish and litigious we are when it comes to that stuff).
Group: Huh?
Me (really not wanting to get into the sticky areas of the phrases ‘hit on’ and especially not ‘come-on’): Let’s just say it’s better for the bedroom and not the boardroom (inwardly groaning at my terrible one-liner, while the students eat it up).