You Know You’re in San Francisco—and Not in Paris—When…

…it’s a typically gray, foggy day and no one’s complaining about it.

…you walk past a local branch of your bank at 7pm and not only is it open, but there is a sizable line of customers inside.

…fleece and sneakers are acceptable fashion choices, even if you’re not “doing sport.”

…it’s OK to be gay, even outside of one sheltered neighborhood (I’m looking at you, Marais). What’s more, you can find a shop that sells KY and gay porn beside a quaint purveyor of antiques.

…big, burly, Beary men—and not fur-coat swathed, frail, elderly ladies—are trotting around their teeny-tiny pooches. And the dogs aren’t allowed into restaurants.

…restaurant patrons request a swap of ingredients in a dish because they’re vegan/ vegetarian/ pesco-ovo-lacto-tarian/ (or the mundane alternative) allergic, and servers don’t bat an eyelash.

…dishes with less fat content are considered more respectable, rather than less refined.

…people are taking their fair trade, organic, soy chai lattes TO GO in their reusable coffee mugs.

…Coca Cola isn’t loathed because it’s a symbol of American cultural imperialism, but rather because it’s essentially high-fructose corn syrup in a can.

…people over and under the age of 40 have actually heard of—or even seen—The Grateful Dead.

…the long, thin object under a pedestrian’s arm is a yoga mat and not a baguette.

Those are but some of the city-specific differences I’ve noted in the two months I’ve been back. If you can think of others, feel free to share in the comments.

Quelle Scandaleuse

It seems France’s First Couple is a legal force to be reckoned with these days. Now Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, the First Lady, is involved in a lawsuit uncannily similar to her husband’s recent entanglement. The scoop is that a clothing company has designed a 3€ canvas tote shopping bag with a nude image of Carla silkscreened onto its side. The bag has been a popular item on the island of Réunion, a French overseas département; the company plans to start selling the product on mainland France soon. The First Lady apparently objects to her naked image being used for profit. The image, taken of Carla in ’93, sold for $91,000 at a recent auction. The situation begs the questions: 1) how did you think that photo would eventually be used? 2) how are there nude photos of a First Lady floating around in the first place?

While the first question is rhetorical, the second has a longer answer. If you’ve seen pictures of Carla, you may have wondered how such a beautiful, young woman is married to such an unattractive older man (it’s the power, stupid). Their romance was hardly conventional, either. Sarko and his first wife, Cecelia, were estranged even during his 2007 presidential campaign; she already had a lover in New York. Cecelia stuck by him until three months after he got elected and then ran off to be with her paramour. What’s a lonely Président to do? Start dating the most beautiful woman he meets, naturally. The couple made quite the media splash during their brief courtship, getting married only a couple months after they made it public they were dating.

And the French went wild. Many were disgusted with their new president’s apparent prioritization of his love life above all else, calling him a horny teenager (or worse). Others were caught up in this public soap opera, obsessing as much as the media, which came dangerously close to U.S. or U.K. tabloid-style coverage. Men across France eschewed Sarko’s actions to their friends, but secretly envied him for his prize beauty. Others weren’t so coy about their appreciation of Carla’s looks. Someone in my husband’s office sent a PowerPoint document of nude photos of her to at least a third of employees. (See, in France there is no such thing as sexual harassment, and apparently PowerPoint has some very interesting applications.)

Why the brouhaha over Carla? Yes, she’s a very attractive woman, but so what? Turns out her past is a bit checkered, what with her scandalous sex life. (And therein lies why the French are, in reality, swooning over her.) Here are some facts on Carla Bruni, as reported by the French and international media:

- She is a supermodel / actress / singer. Under supermodel, we can include posing nude. I guess by becoming First Lady, she wanted to add another slash to her business card.
- She cavorted with the likes of Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Kevin Costner, and Donald Trump. She has always been drawn to men with power. Or big lips / hair.
- It gets even juicier: Seven years ago, while living with her then-lover, an older man, she had an affair and fell in love with his married son, who was ten years her junior. He left his wife, she left his dad, and they married (only to eventually get divorced themselves). Yowza. That’s even more twisted than the film Damage, my former benchmark for romantic scandals in-family; in the movie, Jeremy Irons dallies with his son’s fiancée and things do not end well, surprise, surprise.
- Carla released a new pop album after becoming First Lady, in which she croons (allegedly about her new husband): "You are my junk. More deadly than Afghan heroin. More dangerous than Colombian white… My guy, I roll him up and smoke him." Uh-huh. Besides the obvious controversy, let’s just say that Colombian officials weren’t pleased. Her defense? It’s just a song about addiction to love. Carla, that’s nice and all, but it just got a whole lot ickier envisioning you feeling this way about Sarko. And there’s the provocative “'I am a child despite my 30 lovers,” although Carla claims she chose 30 arbitrarily, as it sounded better than 20 or 10 in lyrical form. I kind of admire her spunk and nonchalance—so what if I’m First Lady? I will not compromise my ART (quote marks imagined around that last word).
- But perhaps the biggest stir the Italian-born, French-raised Bruni caused was going on the record as saying she prefers Italy to France. Ouch. And with that, she hit the French right where it hurts the most: their national pride. I’m surprised her home wasn’t bombed with baguettes.

You’d think this would be a recipe for disaster, but the French have warmed to Carla, as have many other international figures. During the Sarkozys’ visit to England, the British press dubbed her “the new Diana.” Sarah Palin, during the infamous prank phone call perpetrated by a pair of Canadian comedians posing as Nicolas Sarkozy, gushed over his “beautiful wife. Oh my goodness, you've added a lot of energy to your country with that beautiful family of yours.” (Palin either didn’t know how to respond or couldn’t comprehend the accent when “Sarko” later mentioned, “You know my wife is a popular singer and a former top model and she's so hot in bed.” Ha.) And last but not least, David Letterman was practically putty in her hands during her demure performance as a guest on his show:



Could you imagine any of these sordid qualities in an American First Lady? She wouldn’t be allowed through the White House gates. Well, maybe during the Clinton years—and that, folks, is why the French adore Bill Clinton.

President Is Prick(ed)

The latest “only in France” item to grace the news reads like a great Onion article. Only, it’s real.

Toy company produces voodoo doll of President. President sues company. Court rules in favor of toy company. Claims “right to humor.” But also, in keeping with French meticulousness, orders toy company to print the following on the doll’s box:

"It was ruled that the encouragement of the reader to poke the doll that comes with the needles in the kit, an activity whose subtext is physical harm, even if it is symbolic, constitutes an attack on the dignity of the person of Mr. Sarkozy."

Ouch. Was that a needle in your eye, Sarko? I’m sure record low presidential approval ratings (nearly as low as Bush’s lowest) would have made the doll a success on its own, but your office botched this one but good. Rather than let the doll appear on Lefties’ holiday shopping lists and run its course by the end of the year, you handed the toy company more publicity and thus the recent court ruling launched the doll straight to cult status. What’s more, you exposed your wounded dignity in the process (I guess the doll works?).

Apparently the toy company has also produced Bush and Hillary dolls. Which got me to thinking…aren’t there tons of Bush dolls (I mean, action figures, ahem) out there?

Yes, of course there are, and too many to list here at that. However, here are some choice gems:

The Dishonest Dubya Lying Action Figure Doll will run through W’s most notable verbal gaffes--or even make him choke on a pretzel! (how’s that for a throwback?)--powered by remote control. Plus it’s got double redundancy in its name! An apt mirror to W’s special brand of articulateness.

Turkey Dinner George W. Bush Doll reveals the ultimate political turkey: W serving a big, golden bird, presumably to the troops in Iraq. And that’s all he does. Yawn.

George W. Bush Toilet Paper: the perfect item when you really want to run a smear campaign. (Oh no, she di-in’t!)

Texas Homegrown Dope Seeds: Put this in your pipe and smoke it—you can grow your very own Shrub from magic dope (it’s a double entendre, get it? get it?) seeds.

It’s notable that the George W. Bush Punching Doll Bop Bag (a child’s punching bag toy in the likeness of one W) has been removed from its e-commerce site due to being sold out.

Well, well, well, France. You finally came up with a satirical doll for the man who has been President for 18 months. You have once again shown you can be clever, but unoriginal and late to the party.