Working Out, or Working It?

You’ve heard it before: Parisian women are the height of style. After a year of living among les Parisiennes, I’m not convinced that it’s a universal truth, but I give them major bonus points for experimenting with fashion. Even if they miss the mark, they’re worlds more daring, fashion-wise, than the Anglos. I can also now attest that this adventurousness extends into the realm of gym wardrobes, as well, but I’m not as generous with doling out the bonus points in this case.

After reading the fabulous Stuff Parisians Like’s claim that Parisians consider exercise anathema (“for people who are either stupid or gay”), I have to respectfully disagree. My gym is always packed and yeah, there are lots of lollygaggers, but also a lot of hardcore exercisers who treat some of the gym classes like cult gatherings. However, I think the one thing Parisians are intrinsically adverse to is the unmentionable sin of appearing unkempt or...gasp...dull. Even after schvitzing it up on the Stairmaster for 40 minutes. I’ve mentioned before that it’s unheard of to walk around in gym clothes in public. But things get a bit out of hand within the protective walls of the gym, too. Some of the getups are not to be believed.

There’s a woman about twice my age who seems to have time traveled into Jane Fonda’s workout closet from 1983 (or just never bought a new workout outfit since then). She consistently wears a neon pink leotard with black leggings, a hot pink sweatband around her head with wristbands to match, and always, without fail, sports her gold necklace and diamond earrings.

Then there are the younger chicks. One girl wears 1970’s roller-skating rink red shorts with white piping and a barely-there red halter top to match. On her feet are gleamingly white sneakers. Left foot: no sock. Right foot: black sock pulled up to mid-shin length. I’ve puzzled over what the reasons could be for covering her lower right leg. Embarrassing lovelorn tattoo of Sarkozy? Fungal infection of the ankle? Flashing colors to the Right Bank Crips? All are possible if not extremely farfetched explanations, but then why no left sock? I’m stumped, people.

Another girl dresses like she’s ready for a set of tennis in a bygone decade when women first discovered the wonders of exposing their legs for sporting activities. She wears a short-sleeved sweater, very short madras shorts, and thigh-high sheer stockings, the lacy tops of which aren’t even covered by the shorts hems. It’s just…bizarre. Is she afraid of getting her legs dirty? Is she too lazy to change out of the pantyhose she’s been wearing under a skirt during the workday? Pantyhose are really never a good idea. As a Parisienne, she should know better.

The worst offender is a woman in her 40’s who is like Pat Benatar on a fashion bender. She seems to alternate between two ensembles. One is a black thong leotard with the torso cut out, leaving a gaping hole that reveals a neon green bandeau top. The other is a red thong leotard that covers her entire torso, thank goodness. Both outfits are worn with fishnets and color-coordinated legwarmers and high-top sneakers—not to mention the fringed arm-band. She has super-straight jet-black hair with severe bangs and looks like she’s been tanning or smoking or both for too many years. Frankly, she terrifies me.

I’ve so far neglected the men’s fashions because they’re generally beyond reproach, except for one troubling guy who always wears a long, very baggy, low-cut tank top with tiny little shorts. Aside from the fact that it sometimes looks like he's not wearing anything on the bottom, do we need to always see his man-cleavage?

Maybe I’m just a simple-minded American, but the gym is where I go to work out, sweat a lot, and therefore not preoccupy myself with clothes. Standard stretchy exercise pants topped off with a plain tee or tank always suffices. Dressed like that, am I going to win any fashion awards? Of course not. But is my outfit 100% functional? Yessir. And will I ever be accused of shopping for gym outfits at a vintage costume shop or at Burning Man? Hells no.