Playing Dumb - Not What's It's All Cracked up to Be

Contrary to popular belief, playing the role of “dumb American” can have its benefits, depending on the situation, of course. I’ve adopted the role a couple of times in order to get out of trouble when I accidentally didn’t pay the appropriate fee for my destination on the commuter train. “Ex-ke-yooze-ay-mwaaah. Jay nay parl paah fran-caaaay. There is problem – my ticket not work. I do not understand.” (Because dumb Americans speak both French and English poorly, natch.) And with that, the ticket agent lets me through the exit turnstile anyway, with a wink. Perhaps I’m treated with such laissez-faire because I’m a woman, perhaps it’s attributable to the French allergy to work (fining me wouldn’t be as easy as letting me through the turnstile), or perhaps the agent actually buys my act and thinks I really am dumb. At any rate, I don’t question getting let off the hook, and in return, I don’t take advantage of exploiting the “dumb American” act if I can help it. I like to think of it as a safety measure.

Well, today the safety measure backfired. I was walking down the Metro platform, waiting for a train, when a youngish, semi-loopy homeless guy accosted me and started closely following me down the platform. Ordinarily, the homeless are not this aggressive, and in an effort to get him to back off, I pulled the dumb American card out of the deck.

“Jay nay parl paah fran-caaaay.” Out it comes, in my feigned worst accent.

“Vous êtes anglaise? (Are you English?)” he asks.

“No. I do not understand,” I say, while walking away from him even faster. He keeps following me.

“Please, some money for me. You give me.” WHAT??? He speaks English? Of course, in Paris, the homeless speak English. I’m too stunned that my language barrier trick won’t work and just firmly shake my head in the negative. I might have mumbled a “No, sorry.”

But he keeps following me, and now I’m starting to get a little freaked out, even though we are surrounded by people. I think he saw it on my face because he then said, “It’s OK,” a few times before making a courteous exit. What a complete 180.

So what are the morals of this silly little story? Never create an opening for a potentially unstable person. Never play the dumb card too much or you’ll just get outsmarted. Never start a land war in Asia*. And never mess with a Parisian when bilingualism is on the line.


* TM, Princess Bride